Hornet's Nest
by aiupenn
Summary: Hornets have always lived in Akutagawa's chest, but sometimes they get angry and start to sting. When that happens, he does things he can't help but regret. Like crying in front of Atsushi or admitting out loud he's in love with him.


A hornet's nest lived in Akutagawa's chest.

He wasn't sure when it was formed-not that he really cared to know-but it was certainly there now and it'd been there since he was 14, at least. It always hummed, even if only the smallest bit. Occasionally it kept him from taking deep breaths or stopped him from doing things but mostly it wasn't a problem he couldn't force himself through.

But then there were times like this, where some strong emotion kicked the nest hard. The hornets would start to sting his lungs, then they reach his chest, and next his eyes and lungs. Before he had any hope of stopping it, he'd be crying and heaving out breaths even more painful than usual. He always completely lost control of himself, so he knew better than to stick around in public when he felt the kick.

"Akutagawa? Are you okay?"

Atsushi has clearly seen the glazed look in his eyes and now he looks at his partner with a concerned gaze. Akutagawa stared back hollowly. "I'm fine," his words are little more than a croak, a clear sign that the answer was 'no'. But he pushed on anyways, "Go on ahead," he tries desperately to hide the ragged breath he has to suck in, "I'll catch up."

To his credit, Atsushi doesn't question him. Perhaps it's a sign of trust, but Akutagawa chooses it to see it as a sign of his dislike for the rabid dog. Atsushi trots up the street and Akutagawa huddles in an alley, pushing himself as far into a corner as he can. By now, the hornets have made their way to his tongue and Akutagawa covers his mouth in hopes his hands will hide the sounds forcing their way out from between his lips.

It was a strange feeling, being in love. From fairytales and books you'd think it was an enjoyable thing, something that made you feel invincible and weightless. That was not Akutagawa's experience with it. Being in love felt desperate and terrifying. It was hollow and painful and it always made the hornets act up. He hated it. But...

He loved Atsushi. More than he loved himself. More than he loved breathing or fighting or getting Dazai's approval. Despite the pain, he loved Atsushi and he wouldn't give it up, because he was joy in this gloomy man's life.

Perhaps the feeling would stop being so hollow if he could just tell him. But emotions are weaknesses, that's why he always stamped them down. Sharing such desperate, hopeless feelings of love with Atsushi could hardly help him. If Atsushi hated the him as he was now-and he almost certainly did-how could he possibly accept him as an emotional mess like this. A weakling.

He feels as if his eyes are rubbed raw by this point. He can't have been here that long, but it has felt like an eternity of painful breaths and never ending tears. What a miserable human being he was.

Generally, he knows he can let out some of the hornets by freeing some emotions. If he's angry, he can destroy a trash can. If he's sad, he can scream into a pillow. When he's in love... he doesn't know what to do. Waiting it out will take far too long. His stomach hurts from the sobs. He's exhausted from crying. He needs to do something. He can't just sit here and pant like a dog in the alleyway forever. Atsushi will come looking for him eventually, if for no other reason than he needs another pair of eyes. If Atsushi saw him crying, Akutagawa may never recover.

Trying to steady out his breathing, he looks up, breathing through the gaps in his fingers. It starts raining as if one cue, a heavy raindrop hitting him right in the cheek. A miserable day for a miserable mood. Perhaps, at least now, he won't look as if he was a sobbing mess if Atsushi does find him.

"I love you," the words are through his lips before he really thinks them. His tongue does tend to have a mind of it's own in these situations. He couldn't even gauge how loud he had said it because his ears were ringing. Did he scream it? Had Atsushi heard? Or was it just barely above a whisper?

What he did know was that he could feel his lungs relax. The hornets seemed to pause in their mission and a few returned to their nest to cause their usual trouble.

After a dozen more heaving breaths, he clings to that slight relief and sets himself to mumbling it over and over again, slowly shrinking into a ball each time it's repeated until he's crying huddled into the corner of a dirty alleyway. He can't believe his own patheticness. Whispering "i love you's" to someone who isn't even there, crying in the rain in an alley. It's worse than a romance film. He can hardly stand himself.

But it's helping. His breaths are evening out and the tears slowing down. His lungs burn less than before and the hornets have almost completely left his tongue. His head is clearer now and he feels like he can actually make sane judgements. But, he still just has to admit one last time. Not to calm down now, but simply for himself. To let him know this feeling is real for him and that he's not crazy. That he's not faking it.

"I-love Atsushi." His confession is barely above a whisper-he himself can barely hear it-but it floods him with a strange warmth. It feels nice to admit it, even if it's only to himself in an alley, in the rain.

The rain stops falling on him abruptly and the sound of it falling on the street is drowned out by the sound of water hitting plastic. Akutagawa's heart stops in his chest.

He looks up to see Atsushi holding an umbrella over their heads, staring down shocked at the rabid dog.

The heart he'd just worked so hard to calm starts racing once again. His legs go completely numb with adrenaline from the sight of this. How long had he been there? Had he heard him? With the look on this face, he had to. He wills himself to move and run away; he doesn't want to deal with the disgusted look on Atsushi's face when what Akutagawa had said finally sinks in. But he can't move, only stare up in abject horror.

"It... started raining and you didn't have an umbrella," Atsushi says as part of a flustered explanation. Akutagawa has a moment of relief where he thinks perhaps Atsushi hadn't heard him at all. But a blush spreads on the other man's cheeks and those hopes are dashed. Akutagawa feels sick to his stomach. There is no universe where this goes well. He needs to run before he loses everything he had with Atsushi in the first place.

"Ryunosuke," the use of his first name floors him and causes his heart to beat faster-whether in nervousness or joy he can't tell. It freezes him in place and keeps him from running. Atsushi bites his lip before speaking again, seeming unsure of himself. "Can I kiss you?"

It's so far from the question he was expecting, Akutagawa is literally left speechless. He stares up at his partner for a long moment before nodding, very slowly.

Atsushi beams a smile, like he's so excited and has been waiting for this his whole life. He leans over and kisses Akutagawa, right on the lips.

A lot of emotions explode in Akutagawa at once, but probably the strongest is pure embarrassment. His cheeks are likely the shade of a pomegranate and his heartbeat is unreasonably fast considering the fact he's barely moved in the last 10 minutes.

But Atsushi doesn't seem to mind in the least and Akutagawa leans into the kiss, unable to convey the joy he's feeling that it's even happening. He reaches for his partner's free hand, hesitantly. He still expects him to pull away, despite what's happening. His fingers tremble as he brushes against Atsushi's thumb lightly. It's genuine joy that floods his heart when Atsushi doesn't pull away and he laces their fingers together. The other man smiles against his lips.

Eventually, Atsushi makes a sound a bit like a giggle and mutters, "My back hurts."

Akutagawa covers his mouth in embarrassment and scrambles to his feet while Atsushi straightens up himself. He has his fingers pressed against his lips like he's trying to keep the sensation of their kiss there.

Adorable.

"Your lips are salty," Atsushi complains lightly, taking Akutagawa's hand again. It's unusual for Akutagawa to feel he doesn't have to pull away from the touch and the blush somehow deepens, although he thinks that should certainly be physically impossible by now.

Atsushi's tone changes from teasing to concern. "Ryunosuke," the use of his first name again takes his breath away, "Were you crying? Are you okay?"

Akutagawa goes silent and mentally refuses to answer. Atsushi's grip on his hand tightens a bit, "Was it my fault? I'm sorry..."

Does he have to blame everything on himself? Akutagawa gives a slight shake of his head and looks him in the eye. If he were a braver man, he'd caress his cheek and kiss him again to reassure him. As it is though, he's far to shy for that. "It wasn't your fault," he tells him.

The other man smiles lightly, but it looks as if he doesn't believe him. "You should have just told me, you dolt," Atsushi says, "Then you didn't have to sit here and get all wet in the rain."

By this point, Akutagawa has to be so red he might as well be a pomegranate, "I-I didn't think that... you know..." He stops, frustrated with himself for stuttering. That's hardly like him.

"'You know' what?" Atsushi challenges him, but Akutagawa is not brave enough once again to answer him. Atsushi lets the silence hang in the air for a while, but as usual doesn't push. He takes a breath and pulls Akutagawa farther under the umbrella, "As it is, I'm really happy you said something."

Atsushi puts his hand on Akutagawa's waist and he panics for a second. The sensation is new and terrifying, but he loves it. "I'm, um, gonna kiss you again," Atsushi tells him.

Hearing him stutter is endearing. He knew Atsushi wasn't an endless well of confidence from the start, but when he seemed to be so calm compared to Akutagawa, watching him hesitate made his heart skip a beat. Akutagawa gave him a slight, genuine smile-rare from such a melancholic creature-and leaned until their lips came together.

Yes. This all was going to be terrifying, but if every kiss felt like this, it was definitely going to be worth it.

* * *

Comments and critique are always appreciated.


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